Well, today marks the countdown to 30. I'll be 30 in exactly six months and I'm ready.
My last post was a little after my birthday and I've been through a lot in 2016 and 2017 and I just couldn't bring myself to dedicate time to this space once again.
I wouldn't call my rut "writer's block". I'm extremely critical of myself and I get in my own way. I'll have an idea just to shut it down in the next breath because it's not good enough. I don't like to get too personal about my struggles online, but being stressed, depressed and sometimes anxious can really take a toll on you. You can have all the ambition in the world and plans to execute your vision, but those feelings can stop you dead in your tracks. I know I'm not alone and I don't want anyone else to feel like they're alone.
I try not to blame my problems solely on being an adult. While that's part of the problem, I don't mind being an adult. Being a kid was cool, but I've gotten used to not having to answer to anybody. The problem is I became an adult at the wrong time. The recession happened in 2008 when I was 20. Fast forward a year later and print headquarters for magazines and newspapers are closing left and right. This wasn't good for journalists, or those of us going to school for journalism at the time. Fast forward to 2011 and I'm graduating from college. I knew it would be no walk in the park as far as finding writing jobs, but the workforce, in general, is a doozy. They either want you to have a degree with 5+ years of experience or they don't ask about your degree at all and will pay you $30K a year.
I'm in no rush for homeownership, marriage or children. I figure it'll happen when or if it's supposed to. If I can't live comfortably right now at 29, childless with one income, what good would I be with a child I can't afford? I can't even afford to take a vacation. I have yet to use my degree and my salary is nowhere near the price of my degree and it's all very frustrating and stressful.
I did all this ranting to say, I have to keep going. Even while I'm stressed out trying to pay bills and figure out how to pay for my 30th birthday trip in May. I have to do this. I talk myself out of writing, but once I do it, I feel so much better. I just want to be good to myself and stop putting things off because it's not "good enough" or I'm not "ready". You'll never be ready if you don't start and I've wasted enough time.
I want to seek therapy (more on this later) to get clarity and resolve ongoing issues (see: breaking generational cycles).
I just want to stay out of my own way and allow myself to grow with no interference and hope something good comes from it. That's all I want moving forward.